Never Let Go
by Smashtastic
Summary: This is my alternative ending to 'Heart Shaped Wreckage' for those who might be wondering what might have happened if Derek had passed away (nooooo!) Will Karen's unending love for Derek, even in death, destroy her chance at happiness with someone else? #Karen #Josh #Derek
1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

She looked at her watch and her heart sank at it only being 9pm. She still had 2 more hours at least of this. She knew it was all part of being a Broadway star, but her priorities had changed now. God she needed a drink! She impatiently made her way towards the bar only to immediately freeze on the spot when she spotted Michael Reidel no more than 6 feet away, sleazily interrogating a poor young actress. An encounter with him was the last thing she needed right now as she span around sharply in an attempt to make a swift getaway. Unfortunately she didn't count on a guy walking right into her path, as she slammed straight into him, causing his glass of red wine to go flying, mostly over him.

"Jesus Christ, watch wh ..."

"I'm so so sorry" interrupted Karen apologetically, looking at the guy she'd just understandably royally pissed off, when her heart skipped in shock at who was stood before her.

"Josh! What, are you ... I didn't think ... ummm, I'm really so sorry about your suit" she started to mumble.

"Karen!" was all he could muster, looking equally shocked at who was stood before him.

"Really, please let me get it dry cleaned for you."

"Karen it's fine" snapped Josh, unable to hide his irritation. "Just leave it."

"Okay" she said quietly. An awkward silence overcame them both, neither wanting or knowing what to say, but neither making any attempt to leave.

"You look well" Karen said eventually. "The Los Angeles sun looks good on you! And I read you and Sophie just got engaged! Congratulations Josh. I hope you're both very happy together" she said sincerely.

"Thank you" Josh replied, his features softening somewhat.

"And you're okay?"

"Fine. Good. You know!"

"And Henry?"

"He's great, thanks."

"Good. Well, I ummm, I better go and sort this out" he said suddenly, referring to his his ruined suit, as he started to walk away from her without so much as a goodbye.

"Josh?" Karen called after him, unable to stop herself.

"Yeah?" he said, stopping and turning to look back at her.

"Josh, ...I'm, I'm sorry for what was said between us. For how things were left. I think we both said things that we didn't mean."

"Speak for yourself!" he retorted bitterly.

"Fine, well I said things I didn't mean ... and well, I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"Yes it does matter. It matters to me ... Don't you want to know why it matters?" She continued as Josh made no response.

"Not really" he said. "Look I really have to go. Goodnight Karen."

And with that he was gone. She couldn't get him off her mind for the rest of the night. His words had hurt her, but she understood. He was engaged to be married, and here she was, trying to rake up the past. And for what?! She didn't even know. This night was going from bad to worse!

As soon as the clock struck 11 she made her excuses and said her goodbyes, and quietly headed for the exit and towards a waiting car.

"I lied before."

She spun around to see Josh standing there, hands in his pockets.

"About what?"

"About not wanting to know why it matters. Well I do want to know. It's all I've been thinking about these past couple of hours."

Karen smiled at Josh regretfully. "It matters because, because everything you said to me that day was the truth. I just wish I'd realised it earlier. ... "Goodnight Josh. Take care" she said, her voice breaking, as she made her way into the backseat and closed the door behind her.

As the car drove off she couldn't help but look back.

* * *

**AN: guys I'm always forever #cartwills, but when writing my 'Heart Shaped Wreckage' story I was close to doing the unthinkable, and having Derek die, as tragic as that would have been! In the end I of course had to have my happy ending. However, I wanted to explore how Karen might move on from losing the love of her life, and how and if her friendship with Josh might develop. So think of this story as the alternative ending to HSW. I hope you enjoy! :) **


	2. Chapter 2

It was only 4.30pm but it was already getting dark, and Karen had been out longer than she had promised. Ruth would be getting worried, but she didn't want to go. She felt so close to him right now.

"I've got to leave now sweetheart" she finally said. "Henry will be wondering where his mommy is to give him his bath. There's so much of you in him, he reminds me of you more and more everyday. And he's such a happy little boy. I just wish you could be here to see what a wonderful little fella he is. You'd probably spend most of your time shouting at me for being too soft on him!" she laughed. "God I wish you were here with me now sweetheart. I'm not sure I can do this on my own. I miss you so much." she cried, breaking down, as the tears began to flow.

"I'm sorry" she smiled after a while, trying to compose herself. "I know I told you I'd be strong, and I will, I promise. It's just so hard sometimes."

She slowly made her way off the bench and leaned forward to touch the tombstone, and run her fingers across the granite inscription.

"I love you always sweetheart" she whispered, as she gave one more lasting look at the epitaph, before slowly walking away.

_**In loving memory of  
DEREK HENRY WILLS**_

_**Born 3rd March 1975. **__**Died 8th May 2017, aged 42.**_

_**Beloved husband, father and son.**_

_**Always in our hearts**_

"Hellllllooooo?" Karen called, as she unlocked the door, and was immediately hit by a wall of warmth and the comforting smell of cinnamon. "Sorry I'm a little late back" she said, as she made her way into the living room, to be greeted by the sight of Henry merrily playing with his new Christmas toys with his grandma.

"Mommy!" Henry grinned excitedly, as he got onto his feet unsteadily and rushed into Karen's arms.

"Hey my little chickpea, have you been good for grandma?" she asked, as she held him tight, and kissed him tenderly on the head. "I missed you. Mommy loves you so much" she said, as tears began to spring in her eyes. She caught Ruth's eye who was looking at her with concern, and gave her a reassuring wink. "I'm okay" she mouthed.

"Right little man" she said, eventually releasing her grip and putting Henry back down. Why don't I get the iPad and we can say HAPPY XMAS to granny and granddad in Iowa on the video?"

"Yayyyy" shouted Henry excitedly.

"While you do that I'll make you a good old cup of tea" smiled Ruth, as she made her way over to Karen and embraced her warmly. "The pain ... it will pass" she smiled.

"Maybe I don't want it to" Karen smiled regretfully.

"Yes you do darling, and when the time comes, you'll know."

Karen quietly nodded. "Thank you again for a wonderful Xmas Ruth. Henry has loved it. Me too."

"No darling, thank YOU! I never expected you to come here to spend it with me, but I'm so grateful that you did. You're a good girl Karen.

* * *

"Oh wow, not just a pretty face" the actress smiled, as she eased herself off Josh and lay on the bed, breathing heavily.

"I told you I'd give you the best Christmas present ever" he teased, as she smiled wickedly.

"It wasn't THAT good" she laughed.

They were disturbed by the sound of a phone ringing and she immediately leapt out of bed to grab it. "That'll be Chloe, I need to take this."

"Jesus, you didn't even give your assistant Christmas Day off?" called Josh, only to receive a withering look in return. Sophie Brocklehurst was widely considered to be the best young English actress of the moment, with 2 Academy Award nominations already to her name. She'd been dating Josh for about 3 months, having met him on the set of their latest movie.

She already had a reputation for being somewhat demanding, and whilst Josh would be the first to admit she was challenging, he knew half the stories were exaggerated. Well nearly half! Sophie was estranged from her family. Something she kept to herself and hadn't yet shared with him. Not wanting his new girlfriend to be alone during this festive period he had asked if she wanted to spend Christmas with his family, but she'd refused point blank. "Darling, I can't think of anything more ghastly than to meet the parents for the first time at Christmas!" So Josh had agreed to spend the day with her in her L.A home instead, although, right now, as he listened to her berating her poor assistant for something that sounded totally insignificant he wondered to himself what the hell he was doing.

He was attracted to her, that's for sure, and he found her talent and confidence a massive turn on. She was absolutely stunning, an A List movie star, and for some reason she had chosen Josh when she had the pick of practically anyone. She didn't expect anything from him, and likewise he didn't expect anything from her. Theirs was a relationship of passion first and foremost, although he did care for her. It just wasn't love. Josh also knew he was reverting to type, but it was easier this way.

He was stirred from his thoughts by the phone ringing, and smiled when he saw it was his mom.

"Merry Christmas darling" she greeted him, as he reached to grab and answer the phone. "We wish you were here but completely understand."

He happily chatted to his family for the next 30 minutes, being passed back and forth amongst his parents and siblings, before his mom came back on to say goodbye.

"Oh by the way Josh" she said. "I forgot to tell you, I bumped into Karen a week or so ago, walking down 5th Avenue doing some Christmas shopping."

"You did?" Josh practically spat out, his heart suddenly racing a little faster.

"Yes. She was with her little boy, who I have to say is absolutely adorable ... and she asked how I was doing which was nice, and then she asked after you and said to give you her love. So here's me giving you her love" she laughed. "Such a lovely girl. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her right now, especially at this time of the year. She said she was having Christmas in London with her mother in law. Anyway, I'm sure you know this all already, you two being such good friends."

After he'd said his goodbyes Josh's mind immediately turned to Karen. "Such good friends" his mom had said. He didn't feel like he had been much of a friend at all recently truth be told. He'd been there for Karen as much as he could during Derek's illness, especially towards the end, when she had a newborn to care for also. And he, along with her family and other close friends had been a rock for her during the funeral, and in the days and weeks that followed. He didn't think he'd ever forget the desolation he saw in her the day they buried Derek. Her heart had been well and truly ripped out of her, and it broke his own heart to see her like that.

But since the funeral, for the past year or so, Josh had barely a second to himself, such was his current demand in Hollywood. He'd tried to see Karen when he could but his work hadn't taken him back to New York that often. Whenever he did see her she was the same Karen, only with this inner sadness he wasn't sure would ever go away. But she had Henry, and he knew that she'd always stay strong, if only for him.

He picked up his phone and scrolled to her number. He was about to call her when Sophie came back in and flung herself on the bed.

"Right lover, where were we?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey you" Karen smiled, giving her best friend a kiss on the cheek and as she hurriedly sat down. "So sorry I'm late. I couldn't find Henry's shoes anywhere, and only just made it to nursery before breakfast was over! ... domestic bliss hey?!"

"I'll say!" laughed Anna. "I hoped you gave my little godson a big kiss from me! And hey to you too. I've missed you! You're not allowed to leave me alone with no one to play with while you swan around in London again!"

"No one to play with?! I think Ben might have something to say about that!" Karen laughed.

"Yeah well, Ben doesn't count. He's useless at the girly stuff ... So! How was London? Tell me everything!"

"There's not much to tell. It was lovely, and Henry loved spending time with his grandma. We spent Christmas Eve with Derek's sister and her family, and then Christmas Day it was just me, Ruth and Henry. The only person missing was ..." Karen smiled, unable to finish the sentence, as a lump in her throat started to form.

"It will get better you know" Ana said, giving her friend a comforting wink. "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will. In time ... I miss him too" she smiled, reaching out to grip her friend's hand.

"But what if I don't want it to?" Karen said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Sometimes I think the pain is what keeps him close to me, you know. I know that sounds stupid."

"It doesn't sound stupid at all. But you know ... Derek's dead Karen. He's not coming back. And you're here with your whole life ahead of you. And you have this wonderful little boy who one day is going to want a dad to go with his mom. But more than anything he's going to want you to be happy."

"I was happiest with Derek"

"Karen!"

"I know I know. I'm sorry. I just still ... there's that moment, when I first wake up every morning, when I forget ... and for that tiny millisecond everything's perfect. And then I turn over and see an empty bed, and it hits me all over again ... ugh, enough about me and my woes. Come on girl, you must have some fun news. What did I miss in the Big A while I was away?"

"Same old same old" laughed Ana. "Bobby's New Year's Eve party will go down in history!"

"I'll bet" laughed Karen.

"Oh and did you hear about Josh?!"

"Let me guess" Karen smiled. "His on off on off on off relationship with Sophie Brocklehurst is off again!"

"Sophie Bitchhurst remember" replied Ana, eliciting an eyeroll from Karen. "And nope, sadly they seem to be still on ... Buttttttt, he's going to be back in New York to film his new epic sci fi movie."

"Really? That's fantastic news. I wonder why he didn't call to let me know himself. I haven't seen him in months."

"Ummmm he's an A Lister now remember. Well, a top end B Lister at least! You think he has time to be calling his insignificant broadway buddies?!" laughed Ana.

"You're terrible! And Josh isn't like that, you know he isn't!"

"Maybe!" grinned Ana. "I'll give him a pass because of how great he was during Derek's illness. Anywayyyyy, he's going to be attending the Annual Broadway Charity Gala ... I know you declined their numerous offers for you to attend, but Karen, I really think you should come. The show must go on and all that."

"I don't know. I just don't think I can handle all the questions, and displays of insincere sympathy from people who never cared one iota about Derek when he was alive."

"Karen, you need to get back out there. It will do you the world of good. And you just said you haven't seen Josh in months."

"I'll think about it" Karen smiled.

"That's my girl" Ana grinned, a twinkle in her eye.

* * *

"Henry Lewis Wills! How is it that I can only ever find one of your socks!" Karen said, as she routed through her son's drawer."

"Mommy, Rosco take" Henry said, referring to his favourite toy, his little cuddly sheep."

"Rosco took it did did he? laughed Karen.

Karen couldn't help but smile, as she finally found the other sock and began putting them on Henry's feet, then leant down to sweep Henry off his feet and plant him with a big sloppy kisses as he giggled in her arms. She ruffled his adorably messy head of hair. No matter what Karen did she could never tame it! He was Derek's son alright.

Henry was such a personality. He was a born performer, she could tell that already, but he was so good natured. She wouldn't let him turn into a brat that's for sure. She remembered back to the days after Henry had been born.

"Promise me one thing" Derek had asked, as he sat up in his hospital bed gazing adoringly at his son in his arms. "Promise me sweetheart that you won't let this little fella become an obnoxious precocious kid. There's nothing I hate more than obnoxious precocious kids!"

Tears sprang in Karen's eyes. "I promise you sweetheart. I love you so much" she said, kissing him gently on the lips and kissing her son tenderly on the forehead. "Our little family. I can't believe it."

"However long we have together" said Derek "let's cherish it okay?"

"Okay."

She was suddenly disturbed by the sound of her phone beeping, and grabbed it from the bed to see a text from Ana.

_"I'm in the car waiting! See you in 5. Ben's on his way up! xo"_

Karen rushed around her bedroom, frantically grabbing her things. She didn't know how Ana had managed to rope her into this. It had all happened to quickly she hadn't had time to think about it, but the nearer it got the more anxious she was getting. She knew that her arrival would cause a stir. She hadn't been hiding away since Derek's death, but this was her first public appearance, and she knew the reaction would be a mixture of shock and sympathy. She wasn't sure how much of that she could handle.

"Hello?" she heard Ben call from downstairs, as Ana's boyfriend, who Ana had roped into babysitting duty for the night, made his way in.

"We're upstairs" called Karen. "Down in a second."

"So, how do I look?" said Karen, sheepishly, as she made her way slowly down the stairs, Henry in her arms.

"Holy crap Karen. Ditch the kid who's ruining the look and you just stunning." laughed Ben, as he reached out to take Henry from her arms. "Talk about making an entrance!"

"Thanks Ben" Karen smiled gratefully. She was wearing a long dusky grey chiffon dress, with a plunging neckline and a slit running right up the thigh, her hair down and flowing with natural waves.

"And thank you so much for looking after this little fella. You don't know how he's excited he's been to spend the evening with you. Right, I better get going. Bye Henry, be good for Uncle Ben okay?" she said, blowing her son a kiss. "And when Uncle Ben says bed, bed, okay?!" she said sternly.

"Yes mommy!" he nodded.

"Good boy. I love you."

* * *

"Tell me again what I'm doing here?" said Sophie, decidedly unimpressed with her surroundings.

"Supporting your boyfriend, and Broadway, and you know, some good causes!" said Josh, rolling his eyes.

"Well they could have at least provided us with some better champagne!"

Josh couldn't help but smile.

"What?" she said.

"Nothing. But this is my life, where I started Sophie. It's still where my heart is, so please try and respect that okay?"

"I do respect it. It's just not my scene!"

"Clearly!"

Josh grabbed another glass from a passing waitress and downed it almost in one. It was going to be a long night! He was suddenly distracted by a commotion by the entrance, and saw a bunch of lights flashing, and intrigued by who could be causing such a stir he walked a little closer, when suddenly his heart almost missed a beat. Karen! She was looking completely overwhelmed by the attention that was being thrust upon her, and his immediate reaction was to go and rescue her.

Maybe it was because he hadn't seen her in months, and maybe because his last memory of her was when he'd visited her at her apartment to say goodbye before his move to Los Angeles, when she was a shadow of the girl he knew before Derek's illness, but right now she was just radiant. More gorgeous than ever. Her smile could still light up a room, although even from 10 yards away he could see the innate sadness in her big brown eyes.

He hadn't realised he was even staring until he heard Sophie whisper in his ear. "So, you were only ever friends right?! Jesus, you'd think the Messiah had arrived or something the way people are crowding round."

"For god's sake Sophie. This is a Broadway bash, and Karen's a two times Tony winner, so what did you expect!"

"Something a bit more spectacular to be honest!"

"Just then Karen's eyes wandered over to Josh's and when she saw him her face gleamed in delight at seeing her friend again, as she excitedly made her way over.

"Josh!" she said, as she reached him and embraced him. "You look really well. You should have told me you were in town. Why didn't you call me? Not too big a star for your old theatre mates huh?"

"Hardly Cartwright!" said Josh! falling into his old banter. "And I hope you don't mind me saying how beautiful you look."

"Thank you" she smiled, before checking herself and turning towards Sophie, who was standing a little to the side, eyeing the conversation suspiciously.

"I'm so sorry" Karen said graciously. "Josh and I haven't seen each other in a while. It's so nice to meet you Miss Brocklehurst. I know you by reputation obviously. You've got a good'un with this one" she teased, winking at Josh.

"Indeed" said Sophie, coldly. "Will you excuse me please" she suddenly said. "I've just spotted Robert Wardle. He's been trying to persuade me to sign up to his latest play for months. Better go and let him down gently. Pleased to meet you Karen" she said with a thin smile, before making a quick exit.

"Ummm, sorry about that" said Josh. "This is not really her thing."

"No worries" smiled Karen. "God it's so good to see you. I've missed you! Not that I begrudge you your new life in Hollywood. You're tearing it up over there. I'm so pleased for you."

"Thank you. So, how are you doing?"

"Okay okay. More good days than bad now" she smiled. "And Henry, well he keeps me more than busy. He's a little firecracker, but he's so good natured.

Just like his mom" said Josh, as an awkward silence descended over them. "Look Karen, I'm sorry I haven't really been around much recently. Everything's just been so hectic, and ..."

"You haven't got anything to apologise for Josh. I completely understand ... sooooo, how long are you in New York for?"

"A little while actually. I'm filming a movie here over the next few months."

"I read that. Congratulations! Well then I'm definitely getting you over. And Henry would love to see you. He loves spending time with you."

"How is the little nipper?" grinned Josh.

"He's great, he's great. He's a handful but then, he is Derek's son, so ..." said Karen trailing off, tears starting to fill her eyes. She couldn't help herself.

"Hey come on now" said Josh moving closer to Karen, removing his handkerchief from his tux pocket so wipe away Karen's tears. "It's okay Cartwright. No one is expecting you to be superwoman."

"I know" she said quietly. "Thank you Josh ... ummm I think maybe someone is looking for you" she laughed after a while, as she looked over to see Sophie glaring at her. "I'll see you in a bit okay? I'm so glad you're back."

"I'm glad to be back" he smiled, as he watched Karen would back into the melee of people practically queuing up to talk to her. He hadn't realised the truth of that statement until now.


End file.
